Here I am back in the same old place of uncertainty that I find myself in over and over again. Is it a cycle? I wish I had a way of tracking when I come to these moments of existential crisis so I could determine if there is some connection to the seasons or the tides, or something that I ate, or anything at all so I can stop spinning back around to this spot. I suppose these are questions that we ask ourselves on some level almost every day. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Who am I created to be? What was I created to do? Am I doing the right things?
In the last couple of months my personal prayer and meditation times have been speaking to me deeply about rest and just being present with God. I have been reading “The Daily Office” by Peter Scazzero for my morning devotions. One of my favorite entries shares a quote from David Brenner which says “Stillness is the precondition of presence, I must first be still to myself If I am to be still with another. And, of course, I must learn to be still before God If I am to learn to be still in myself. Presence begins with a still place within ones self. If I have no such still inner place, I cannot really be present for others.” It is terribly difficult to find a place and time for stillness in the midst of life today. We have so many things vying for our attention. Some of them are good and important, like family and friends. But, I shudder to think of the time I waste on such distracting pursuits as facebook and pinterest. It is no wonder I am asking the same questions once again. I have not taken the time and stopped to listen for the answer. I pray I can do better starting this instant. I want to slow down and simplify and listen. I want to be present and mindful and connected in real life meaningful ways to those I love.
I guess that the fact that we continue to come back around to these questions over and over is a sign of God’s grace. I get a chance to try again if I didn’t get it right…chances are pretty good I didn’t. I get an opportunity to listen intently instead of halfway or through some filter of my own creation. That is a good thing.
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